Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
