there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
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Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
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Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
He's on the porch naked. Help.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
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