i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
I supernannyed him into submission
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Randomize
