The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
