I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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