I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Randomize
