I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
