bring money and cleavage
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Randomize
