That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
