Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
