when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
