Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
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