I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
