and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Randomize
