its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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