Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
