Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Randomize
