I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
My first STD was from a foam party
before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
