I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
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