i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
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