I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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