I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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