so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
