so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
