Three words: puerto rican gang bang
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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