I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
