dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Randomize
