my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
