dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
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