so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Randomize
