By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
