so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Randomize
