how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Even my vagina gasped.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
