I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
