sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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