My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
your like the ambassador to my penis.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
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