Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
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