pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
