I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
