guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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