If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Randomize