I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
I want her autograph on my taint
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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