Just cropdusted the office
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
