There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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