A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
he had hair everywhere except his balls
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
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