I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
Im just a social blackout drinker.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Randomize
