I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
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