She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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