omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
You're earring is so big in my mouth
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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