before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
