my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I'm passing your future prison.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Dear god my vagina.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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