When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
