Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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