I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
