I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
