Hahaha, sighhhh...I texted him to no response. It's a shame, really...I would gladly exchange my body for pizza rills.
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
