apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
